It feels amazing to keep them, that sounds so awful but I have broken so many out of fear. Elementary promises like just showing up. This has been my main hurdle this year and I have done well but lately, I have shown up for so many people and things that I find myself driving or walking home feeling such a sense of glee.
Music, theatre, arts, and even a swim meet. I have been there as a cheerleader, even a silent one if you can believe it, and the feeling of being embraced afterward with a “you have no idea what it means for me to see you out in the audience” it’s hard for me to not ask ‘why’? Like why do I make a difference? Sometimes I show up and there is nobody else, and other times, like tonight, the venue is packed, Cap Hill is booming and I feel like my tiny self is lost in all the eclectic personas but still he smiles and gives me a nod from the stage – again glee. People start to know my face, even a nod and an ‘ok I’ll stand by you because I too am alone’ and we know that is ok.
Australia is pending, another promise, and even though I am scared to go alone I know that has been the only way, I went alone 23 years ago, and it will be so different but then again so am I. There will be no bar crawls nor naively crying myself to sleep over a boy who has discarded me. I am there for my humans, to say goodbye, to say hello for the first time, and even a wedding – Jesus, I held him as a baby and now he is getting married.
“Promises, promises. You knew you’d never keep”
He promised me forever, and actual stable forever; that you would change your wicked ways and now you are spreading your vial throughout the city, MY city. I’ve kept one promise to you, that I would never be with another but I pray God brings me what he has whispered to me in promises “There will be another” one more worthy of such a promise.
-B
