“You Ain’t Got No Future Jack”
Despite all the remakes and don’t get me wrong I respect them, Heath Ledger
& Joaquin Phoenix…I am still haunted by both films, renditions of The
Joker, mostly the most recent, did any of that movie even happen!?
“You ain’t got no future Jack” – Eckhardt. I believe he is an
inspector or detective, but he is saying this to Jack (Jack Nicholson) who
later becomes The Joker!
I love movies, more than real life sometimes. I have been thinking of this
quote for a few reasons lately. One, my fiancé loves to quote the movie (warms
my heart) he says, “Wait ’til they get a load of me”.
Another, my best friend, my lover, my fiancé and the man I have been devoted to for now 4 years appears to not care too much about the future. In fact, the
other day he said something like ‘ I prefer to live in the present’. This shook
me a bit and I still cannot put my finger on why.
Being an adult who never stopped daydreaming of puppies, houses, travels,
being a published & famous author, hell I even play dress up sometimes,
just like I did as a child. I guess daydreaming about puppies does not equate
to me planning for the future but I sure as shit put money away for something
better than I have now. So, riddle me this, what is like standing in front of
the mirror, seeing possible futures, hopes, dreams, opportunities and the
person you’re standing next to, holding their hand, turns away. They have no
interest.
My heart has been heavy for years about whether I am meant to be married, or
have children, both of which I DID daydream about as a child. Losing my Mother altered this, there’s no doubt in my mind that losing her meant loosing so much
of myself, that included hopes and dreams.
It was 3 years ago today that I lost my Mother, it’s interesting, I didn’t
connect that it was the actual day until now, 6:37 PM. I have felt ‘off’ all
day, very focused on work most of the morning, gym at noon but the rest of the
day I have felt depressed, lost and alone and yet someone is in the next room.
Grief, it seems, blocks out the thoughts I have that pick me back up. I don’t
know how I do it but I do, even in the darkest moments I can pull myself up and
out but not today..
Today, I am not sure what broke my heart more, losing my Mother or
discovering that my best friend may not be the man I am meant to be with.
-B
