I am a rather proud person, a woman of determination, a lady of her own. I have an independence that pushes and pulls people away and in at times, or so it seems.
When I sit and count my demons I envision sitting on the edge of the pool that either I created or has been created from our traumas, uniting us. Dangling my feet knowingly in the deep end waters. I see you sitting next to me with your hand lovingly on my thigh as I count my demons while I dip my toes in the water. They swim in the deep end so feverishly I almost feel bad for them, why don’t they stay in the shallow end where it’s safe. Being a proud queen of the demons I can see why though, they are too proud, too proud to admit fault and or even show a glimpse of struggle. They struggle but smile at me, I do not smile back, I see right through their smiles.
I loved you differently. All I saw was you. I never gave up on my demons for you though, why should I when you were still burning in your own. I did and do suffer over you, over us, over your past and mine. My, my, what a sweet couple our traumas make, mine, yours, and now a new trauma from the ashes of yours and the drowned ones of mine. I suffered over you but I never gave up on my demons, I clung to them as a last-ditch effort to have my independence.
However, I did give up my ghosts. Each of them, as I wrote of them in my journals…#3, #12, #26, they all had names and all created parts of my traumas, they fed my demons, and sitting here watching my demons still struggle I can almost see all of their faces, “Becky, you are so fragile”, I think that is what he said all those years ago. Billy, I don’t know what # he was but he was trash, and because I felt I too was trash I picked him up for a little while. I am not fragile, I allow myself to be vulnerable at times because it happens so infrequently I know my soul needs to let that girl show, I am not too shy to say that it is an honor for anyone to see her. I did love you differently my love. I let you swim with her, I gave up my ghosts, I let you see them all and now I am see-through. Still watching my demons struggle to keep their air about them, to stand tall, be counted, be a part of who I am, oh how I wish they would drown and die. I would weep for them, I really would.
“When I’m counting up my demons
Saw there was one for every day
With the good ones on my shoulder
I drove the other ones away
If you ever feel neglected
If you think all is lost
I’ll be counting up my demons yeah
Hoping everything’s not lost” – Coldplay, Everything’s Not Lost
