After years sitting in perdition, I found someone; If you have ever been broken, heart put in a blender, heart run over by a semi…as the ex looks on, arm and head out the window, tipping their trucker hat like ‘you’re welcome’ as they pass by you standing there, with an empty hole where your heart used to be….yea that image, well he may as well have been leaking gasoline and smoking a cig and as he passes after running over my heart he drops a cig and tips his hat…demolished doesn’t cover the feeling. The feeling of, years later remembering all the signs you should have seen, accepting that, no matter what, you couldn’t have done anything to prevent the outcome, that, when the tough times come, any they always come, you don’t want someone who runs, you want someone who grabs your hand and says, ‘let’s do this….together’. After all, isn’t that what we are all searching for? Someone who truly is ‘ride or die’, someone who sticks it out through the good times and the bad. Lest we forget ‘for better or for worse’. I did not expect to connect again, after all how could I after everything that happened.
In the past two years I have let so much of what I wrote above go, I understand the importance of the past but I no longer bath in it. Today I would have just turned my back, flipped my locks and walked into the sunset when I saw the semi coming my way. When I met Kyle I can say that with all honestly I no longer loved my ex, I had compartmentalized everything, done with weeping for the night. I took each issue out and dealt with the memory, the fear, the loss, all one by one. That being said neither of was/is without issue. We are all works in progress.
Kyle…with all his damage, for all the little red flags, I have felt more with him in a very short time than I have felt with any in years. It’s like a dance, our flags, our past’s, our frame of reference…consistently bouncing off the other and for what? Is the juice really worth the squeeze? I’d have to say at this point, abso-fucking-lutely. “After living in the dark for so long a glimpse of the light can make you giddy”.
And so it begins….
-Becky
