For as long as I can remember so much of my life, times, jobs, boyfriends, family…everything has been chaos, at best.
I just wonder if it’s all me, after all the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing expecting different results. Oh and also that if something happens to you, whether it be someone telling you something or a circumstance and it is not the 1st ,2nd or even the 3rd time…it might be time to take a good hard look at what you are actually doing or saying. “Is it me”, there should be no shame in asking this; it helps you grow but its hard and looking within still hurts me, I feel there is always so much to work on but remaining confident in myself while also believing in continuous improvement…it’s almost a full time job :/
Pete’s constant frustration with my inability to be more clear in my communication and have a clear concise idea of any plan and my struggle to carry tasks to fruition. These ‘issues’ are multiple serious wrenches in our relationship bike. I perpetually have bags of items for Goodwill, the car is always packed with things for my parents place, project after project..it drives him crazy and it continues to derail what should be a nice night it starts off nice but once he sees the car a mess….all bets are off. I am told that being with a software engineer is unlike being with any other type of human. I am still unclear whether we are slow dancing in a burning room or whether our differences truly make us better people, help us grow, as hard as it is sometimes, he continues to be someone who has helped me grow more than anyone else I have ever met.
Do I choose this chaos, choose any chaos, do I love to swim in it and yes, drown in it at times? Or is it simply the luck of the draw that these circumstances roll out the way that they do. I can think of a few examples: my china town apartment, moving in with Tim, moving in with that room mate that I ruined…is the act of desperation the last act or the beginning of a play that is meant to be a good ole fashioned sad beginning turned happy ending or am I stuck in a loop of one chaotic mess after another..only God knows.
-B
