It’s been awhile. I am not sure whether it’s the sure nerve and or raw feeling that comes from writing down ones inner most thoughts and or feelings but I struggle these days. All I think about when I write now is, hope, sometimes relief. Hope that someone will read this silly rant or two and feel something like inspiration, motivation, a deep sigh of relief like ‘man, I thought I was nuts for feeling that way but others do too’.
I have been drinking, heavy I guess, since I was 20, I started late…with regards to many things. Blame it on the cop Dad if you will 😉 I started drinking because I started my first career and fell for a married man and believed all the sweet things he sang. I have never cheated on anyone but I will say that I used to tell God, yes I know, I know why this is happening, whenever I was hurt or cheated on. Shame is a cold beast and it freezes your soul and it is only now, 15 (ish) years later that I can say that the cell I held myself in for so long, the counseling and the….again pure shame of that tryst caused so much damage ‘some wounds go too deep’.
I cannot tell you how many bad things have happened, things I have done, things I experienced and or saw as a result of my or someone else’s drinking. Like flashes, that guy who I watched walk away, that girl that…that look, I cannot remember what I said to her but I wounded her so deeply that I think I can say with all honesty that she will never forget me and not for any good reason. All the things lost but also so many things gained oddly enough.
Despite my cloudy 20’s I have become so much more self-aware in my 30’s. I feel so much more deeply, recognize how precious all lives are, how damaging words can be..so much worse than a fist with the right forked tongue and above all that nothing can ever rid you of the inner pain or shame except the sure will to be strong and move on or make amends. I am naked now, I let myself feel all the things I never let myself feel, I no longer wish to drown the shame. It’s definitely no longer about that married guy…so many things transpired but somehow I remained a good person, you may not think so my but heart is one that strives daily to be pure, to be patient, always kind, to just love, not just others but myself…my silly mess of a self.
