10/1/14
I’m really loving this blog thing, I mean I love my piles of empty journaling books, I love filling them and I think I still will but this is instant gratification…and yes, I do see the irony as I am in my 30’s and will admit that my generation and the one before me do love the instant gratification. Oh that and a diagnoses and or misdiagnoses of adhd…which is funny because I am off topic. Battlefields: watching the news, seeing the boys and girls fighting and dying for our freedoms, knowing vets and loving a vet (thanks Dad) I am often reminded that despite the fact that what they are going through is nothing compared to my battles, that we are all fighting one. Pretending I care what some self absorbed rich person at work is saying is a battle, pretending that I am not offended by someones arrogant comments about civil servants is a battle, more than anything I battle with this pretend self. I am a ‘sensi’, however the freak you spell it. Others hear a pin drop when someone makes a negative comment, when someone walks by that has had a bad day or your listening to someone rant and your able to tune it out. Not me, I internalize and you hear a pin drop but I hear an anvil drop. My niece just started high school, makes me feel old but again that is off subject, I remember walking down the halls of high school and feeling so lost and so out of place. But much like I do now, I smile, I laugh, I pretend and I seem to be well liked in the office, in fact when my co-worker approached me today after having been watching me doing a simple task, copying leases, she said ‘you know, when you don’t know anyone is looking, it’s interesting to watch you, I just watched you let your guard down and you looked sad’. I love her for seeing the real me, my response ‘well I’m human (wink) but don’t tell anyone’ and I walked away.
“School is a battlefield, for your heart. So when Rayanne Graft told me my hair was holing me back, I had to listen. Because she wasn’t just talking about my hair, she was talking about my life” -My So-Called Life
-B
