To guide the future as He has the past,
Thy hope, they confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul! the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.”
Be Still, My Soul (v2) , Katharina Amalia von Schlegel (1697-?)
My ‘work’ never feels to be done, whether is it cleaning the house, laundry, organizing, actually work that I do during the day. It feels to be never ending. I have never considered myself a night owl and with a day job that just seems to be a very silly thing to do, be up all night when I have to be up and running (by running I mean to take on the day..I am not that dedicated) by 6 am. But yea, lately, the past few years, I do stay up late, cleaning, cooking, drinking (pause for surprise), watching movies and yes..last but definitely not lease, organizing. So tired all the time and some days it feels like depression and other days I just sit at my desk for a moment when I can and I stare off and tell myself ‘be still’. I never really feel like I am getting ahead on anything though…it’s like I come home the next day and I feel like all I see is crap, piles, UN-finished projects. UGH!
This ‘sabbatical’ I am on has been pretty productive. Paul is proving to be an amazing friend. Andee is amazing. Rachel is missing in action as I am sure most people feel about their friends who are single parents, I do not blame her. My parents, while I try and try to spend time with them they appear to always have a road block to throw at me but have been helpful in my healing process. My work colleges, though their knowledge of what I am and did go through with my ex is limited have also been supportive. Church, the gym, no boys, ballet and lots of working..all the things I said I would focus on..and this blog. If I wasn’t drinking all the time I would say I am truly turning over a new leaf and making positive changes, one step at a time right? No, I mean…if I was a friend who knew the real truth saying that to me I would say ‘no, the drinking is the biggest step you NEED to take’ and by step I mean minimizing if not taking it completely out of the picture. (deep sigh).
-B
