I found this piece of writing as I work through and re-write my Mothers musings. At first glance I see a list of what looks like doctors notes:
Coronary heart disease, Hyperglycemia 70, Atrial Fibrillation, Heart Block AV, CHF Congestive Heart Failure, Asthma, age related nuclear lateral bilicetend, focal cloroidites (clitorides?) (left eye), hypothyroidism….I am sure I am misspelling all of that, I do not have the energy to look it up.
You should know my Mom had the worst hand writing, I mean I have to read it sideways and sometimes I have make copies and then blow them up to discern a word, also, she taught herself to ‘not be dyslexic’ so it is so hard to read these things, in addition to the emotional feeling of reading things as she is now gone.
As a read through this obvious list of what could have killed her an or what she had planned to tackle I am sitting in what we are all sitting in, isolation. With her list of medical issues I am glad that she passed in her sleep instead of this relentless virus but still, did she have something with this list?
Today I saw something ‘make a list of all the things that you love, are YOU on it’, I answered loudly in my head, no! Not too surprising, I gain much more joy from other peoples happiness, I am self deprecating in that I do not think I am worth it and or it is just not my thing to ‘feel whole or completely happy’ (yes I just said that out loud, I may be a masochist but I know myself). That being said, a lot of people are just complaining, I have as well but I am one thing for sure, SO THANKFUL. That I have a roof over my head, a warm bed and a partner that, while I want to kill him sometimes is very sweet and loves me. Also, I live in Seattle, the homelessness, crime and mental issue awareness is a HUGE issue and has been for awhile but with all of this I am honestly scared to go to the store, to go on walks, Pete now goes everywhere with me, even though all I want to do is get away in my podcast about true crime or just be by myself. The thought ‘what has this world come to’, almost seeps off my lips but I remain hopeful as we all should. At 8 PM each night I scream out of my window in thanks to the medical professionals, many of us do, some even bang pots and pans, it’s lovely. Perhaps my Mom had something though, should we all be making lists of what we are thankful for right now? Lists of what we want to accomplish in 2020, what CAN we do while at home drowning in, self doubt, new normal’s, withdrawals from friends, family, going out, life.
I think we all need to realize this may be the universes way of helping us to redefine; the divorce rates are up in certain areas/countries, that is both disparaging and hilarious. I won’t go any further other than to express my concern over domestic violence and the crime rate but it is on my heart. WE are all outside and enjoying life a bit more I hope, at least simple walks where there are more birds and critters because there are less people, less cars out= less pollution (it is too bad THAT cannot last). I am trying to make the most of this as best as I can, baking cookies, experimenting with items in the cupboard, trying to be ‘The Pioneer Woman Cooks’, I hope you are as well, making the best of it I mean.
Finish that book(s), learn that hobby, fine tune that skill that WILL move you forward, walk your puppy love, see those baby drools and first steps or first realizations, have an orgasm because you have the time to stress less about all the other crap. Support local businesses, be kind, be true, be healthy, be safe and above all….be you.
-B
