April 29 2015
I remember being in my early teens and an older adult I knew had lost their spouse, I remember feeling such pain and anguish over the thought of this person, having spent most of their life with this person, a person who they felt so much love, felt was their only soul mate, their best friend, lover, father of her children, I mean, I felt that what she must have been feeling was the worst possible feeling that anyone human could ever experience. Thus started a trend for pushing people that tried to love or adore me and a vow it took me several years to break. I did this for many years, I wouldn’t entertain the idea of dating, kissing or any other commitment where I might possibly fall in love. Somewhere along this obviously lonely path I did fall in love, well the kind of love you fall into before you know who you really are and the kind you fall into before you’re an adult with the life experiences to tell you what love really is. Many times over I would fall into this ‘young love’, this ‘falling into likeness’ and many times over I would be hurt. I don’t think that I ever hurt any of these boys that danced around my heart until I was in my mid 20’s. Now in my mid 30’s I can say that I have loved, really truly loved once. The ending of that particular relationship devastated me to my core and his words, smile and those memories stull haunt me almost 4 years later.
All this being said it would be easy if I was to revert back to that Becky that was laying in the backyard, looking up at the clouds talking to God when I said out loud ‘I vow to never fall in love, because I could never endure the pain of losing that love’. I feel horrid that I cannot recall who she was, this woman who lost her heart. This vow slips into my head so frequently, it’s hard to think I cannot recall who she was but the vision of me laying there id easy to recollect, I was wearing some old hole ridden jeans I had bought at Value Village and a ghostbusters t-shirt (yes…apparently wearing this outfit I felt I needed to make a vow to fend off all the boys ha!) then again like so many of these blogs, this is a memory I have never written down nor spoken of until now. Back on track…it would be easy to make this vow again but shouldn’t I be proud that I did break this vow, that, as soul breaking as that experience was, it made me who I am, it showed me just how resilient I really am? Then again…
“If there’s one thing he’s taught me it’s how to guard my heart. Also, how you can think you know someone and then all of a sudden your starring at this person you didn’t know, wondering where the love went and what on earth you did to deserve such deception”
-B
