My Mother died in August.
If you follow my blog and or read the one about internal bleeding that was about her, we all knew her sad but beautiful heart would someday fail but I don’t think anything could have prepared me. I don’t know many girls who have a best friend for their Mother; when I was a teen I was horrible, lol, yes….as hard as it is to believe I was a terror masked as a blue eyed blonde eyed angel! She told me someday I would understand, that someday I would be able to put my resentment aside and that one day we would be friends but I never thought it would be true and I certainly did not know that she would become one of the most amazing influences that I think I will ever come across in my entire life. I will try not to go on and on…although I am told part of the mourning process is doing just that but I will save my blog for just blogging entries that hopefully bring others joy, understanding and peace of mind in whatever sense.
9/26/17
Some days it feels as though you are still here, like today. I had a fantastic day. I did a lot of small things for me, sang in the car, paid it forward when I got the chance, got a pedi, made some good money walking dogs and got some marketing work in too. It was like you were with me all day today. I keep getting told this will get easier but all it feels like is a very deep wound that is now sort of healing and will undoubtedly leave a scar…I am sorry to say I have so many of these types of scars on the inside and outside. ‘Some wounds just go to deep’. Talking with a therapist AnnMarie, who I have spoken to a few times only in the last decade but true to form I tell all so she knows me more than anyone and I would like to think she considers me a ‘fun study’ as most sessions not only include me crying but laughter on both ends. Or she just thinks I am crazy, there is a thin line between awesome and crazy though..right? 😉 She makes me feel like it is ok to feel what I am feeling. After a tumultuous (to say the least) 20’s my Mother gave me purpose. No matter how bad things got I always had her and could call her and hear no judgement, no excuses…a few words could be the difference between sleeping that night or not, she made it all seem worth it, that there was a reason for me being here, that my little light created a larger light and someday I would embrace it. Another close friend recently told me that she felt my light was my Mothers legacy, sometimes I just feel so blessed that how on earth could I be sitting her, writing this, crying in public and as the busy Seattlites eat, drink and unwind…I am reminded that my small world is just that, so small. Despite feeling like my life came crashing on August 20th… the world goes on.
All I can do is spread my light and hope that I make someones day, as my Mother made mine on countless occasions.
-B
