10/26/14
All these movies and books come out about affairs, I remember seeing the movie ‘Valentines Day’, I felt like I was watching a bit of my own story, I was the only one that I saw in the theater who was not only alone but who cried throughout the movie. I would like to say that my affair with a married man was an isolated incident. #1 Rings come off, so all you holier than tho kids should think back on those dudes that never called after an amazing date or night. #2 he was the only married man, that know of, others I would find out later that they had a live in girl friend or my feelings and or passion about someone over rode that little voice in my head ‘what if I was her’. Even my oldest friend Chris has cheated on a girl friend with me. That being said I was younger then, less aware of the heartbreak of infidelity.
I had been with my first boyfriend Justin for almost two years when I started a new job, a sweet gig for a 20 something with barely a college education. Commercial Real Estate. 40+ good looking, charismatic and wealthy men that I felt viewed me as a little sister but I was anything but that. So when Zach asked me to go out to drinks with him and the guys, boating, to a festival or show. I thought nothing of it. Justin and I took a break, I don’t remember the reason, at that point I hadn’t cheated and Justin knew all the guys but Justin and I always struggled but the break was suppose to provide clarity for us. On this break, Zach became more and more sweet, I got to see his house, meet his dog, I knew he was married but when he kissed me that first time I felt something I had never felt before that moment. I thought it was love. A lasting memory that I may never shake is a night in my little studio, he had brought over a movie and wine, we started on the couch but soon moved into my bed, I lit candles and put on Norah Jones (I am a sap, have we met?) we made love for hours and after, he was in the bathroom and I sat on the edge of my bed, half numb half….something indescribable. I got up to blow out the candles, I blew out two and on the third it sprayed back at me, fighting with fire much? I had a burn mark on my cheek for a week. I very much did and still do feel that God was telling me that I was very much doing something wrong. A week later, after months of passion and tears it ended. Justin and I got back together but after my affair I not only knew that I was not in love with Justin but I also knew that I hated myself and I was in so much emotional pain I couldn’t sustain a relationship. Fast forward 12 years later and I am working for another Commercial Real Estate co and he is well known for his affairs now. His wife knows and three kids later and a million dollar home, cars, vacations, she stays and God knows what she thinks as she tries to sleep each night.
5/26/05
All my actions have poisoned our love. Is all I keep thinking, I’m trying to work towards forgiving but perhaps I know he never could. Seeing my devil each day gets worse and worse. All I can do is dream that he wasn’t married and that we could have possibly have had a future together. Impossible as it is I still dream of his touch and urn for his call.
-B
