Relationships are hard, perhaps harder than anyone can really tell you. To date I have never been more in love than I am now. As a previously painfully independent slut (yes I just said that) I never thought, well I hoped, but I never thought I would want to just be with one guy, a guy who could take care of me because heaven forbid anyone other than me would have that pleasure.
Despite how many beds, bad situations, jobs, and apartments I jumped around I always wanted that ‘one’ but when I did find a few that fit the bill I did something to sabotage it and it took me years to realize that was what I was doing. In my 30’s I settled down substantially, well…I think around 29 I had decided I had more self esteem than letting any dude run through me both physically and emotionally.
Pete is fantastic but we really are so different. I cannot tell you how uncomfortable he is going to any event, dinner (movies seem to be ok) or social event. While I thrive like a butterfly and get high off getting ready and walking into any event with him with me he, as I have learned, feels as though the room may swallow him. I now feel selfish for trying to drag him to any of the events that I once did or being sad when he was quiet over dinner, assuming it was me. I have never grown more from another human being, Pete challenges me as nobody has ever been able to, save my Mother. That’s another thing, my Mother/best friend died…everything in my life is bound to suffer for a bit. Struggling to not cry on a daily basis (thank God for the steamy showers otherwise I’d always be puffy) is a serious…yea, struggle and the last thing I want is Pete to feel the burden of what I am carrying. While I do feel that it is important for any partner to feel with you, be supportive, your relationship is and should be separate. He knows my life will never be the same but hearing him say ‘I know a piece of your heart is gone now but hopefully I can fill a little of that hole that she left’.
Taking it back means….in a sense I have come to rely on Pete for happiness and that is not healthy. He does make me happy on so many levels but while I am sometimes content being on the couch, cooking in, being lazy, doing chores…sometimes I do like to get dressed up and go out on the town. So tonight, for the first time in a long time I did just that, I literally took myself out to dinner. I looked fabulous and even though on the inside I was a bit unsure… looking at the people on their Friday night dates..I embraced my book, my phone a bit and ok….I am on my desert now and writing this because as I was watching other couples and people and I thought, when Pete met me I was happy, I was confident and had no problem going out alone. While I love more than anything being around him, he makes me feel safe, challenged, sexy, intelligent and independent all at the same time. I cannot rely on him to make me happy, I need to come whole without him…
Take It Back…
If there is one thing losing my Mother taught me it’s that life is short. Take yourself out to dinner, then go home to your loved one and seduce them because you will hopefully be feeling the way I am feeling now..this irresistible, sexy, confident, taken and yet single lady.
P.s. You must wear red lipstick when you do have this sort of re-claim yourself night’
