What should I say, what could make any difference, what could I change. I cannot help myself…or can I? Caught up in my own storm of ‘all the things I have always wanted and cannot have’.
Push me pull you and all I am is in the middle of what I seem to want more than anything. What exactly do I want. What do I need and how does this ‘idea’ of my own worth tie into all of that, is my own feelings about my own worth directly tied to the idea of marriage and children? Watching everyone breaks my heart at times. Too much? This song is amazing. Because it speaks to my inner self, that girl trapped way down deep, that girl I pretend gets pulled out. I thought you pulled her out but alas I digress and crawl back down the rabbit hole. What a silly Alice am I. “Keep looking back at me”.
Caught up in my despair and loss. She was incredible but how does the loss of my mother define me? How does it affect where I go from here and where I previously have gone. They say life is a journey, enjoy the ride but I feel like I am just riding down a hill a bit out of control on an old bike, perhaps a bike from my childhood that I rode every spare minute. Downhill, feeling the wind run through me, beat me, pull me faster and faster…there seems to be no end to this hill. “I cannot help myself”. Oh Alice.
How do I say something that I do not understand. Push me pull him, pull him into myself. I need to be loved, I need to be heard, to feel valued, to feel listened to….even if I am singing just to sing. “My gift is my song, this ones for you”. Everyone knows what my hearts says and wants, I am a fool to think I can pass by even a stranger and expect them to not feel what energy I give off…I see it in all of their eyes. “Maybe, I am looking for something I cannot have”. Can we not all have the deepest desires of our hearts? Or do they change and evolve with time and as my Mother always said, “sometimes unanswered prayers are the most important prayers”
I should have titled this one jibberish lol
