A few super bowls ago a group of mostly strangers went around a circle asking a variety of, well ice breakers, I only remember one question: “what would you do with 1 million dollars”. I do not recall what anyone else’s answer was; I am sure they were grand like…buy a yacht, buy a mansion, travel to this continent and or buy a villa in Italy. I do remember my answer though, I don’t think I knew how simple it was. I don’t remember realizing what this answer meant about me but I do recall the faces around the room, lol, surprise, astonishment, pity even. All I said was that I would go back to school.
In this day and age there are resources, right? Grants and loans, right? So why would I wish this for myself with my pretend 1 million? You tell me (just kidding). I mean I like my job (mostly) but I am an administrative assistant in an industry that is mostly men, unless I wanted to switch from Building Engineering to Property Management, I have been told by my direct supervisor there really isn’t anywhere for me to go (pause for many swear words and ‘fml’s). Oh and by the way, to be a PM or even an APM (assistant property manager) you need to not only have your Real Estate license but also a….wait for it…4 year degree. I don’t even want that job and still, if I did want it, I could not get it. The realm of continued education and ‘going back to school’ has always been, well I guess a lost cause for me, there is no way, in my mind, that I could go back to school, even part time and still pay the monstrosity that is the rent in Seattle.
Remembering this ice breaker from almost 8 years ago, really brings to light something I often blog about, fear. I am still sorting through this paradigm. The self-awareness I have now is monumentally more prominent that it was even 4 years ago, let alone 8 years ago so I am not surprised I am just now willing to address this. Here is what I am sorting through right now: The fear of the time commitment: how well can I balance, manage a new schedule, prioritize and commit? Learning something new: I used to boast in my interviews that I always wanted to be learning, wtf happened to that girl?! I mean I am learning things everyday because I ask so many questions and obsessed with being ‘the go to gal’, school should just be another endeavor, right? Cost: for as long as I can remember I have just survived financially, never thrived, no sob story…it’s just life, some poor decisions but also my lack of education I am sure has ‘awarded’ me, potentially, a lower salary than someone with a degree? Viscous circle because if I barely break even each month how would I save? How would I pay rent? Cell phone bill? I barely have a life so that’s no problem 😉 And last but not least, Time: in 4 years I will be 41 (HUGE GULP). One thing I love about blogging is it forces me to speak sometimes. 41 is not old, I am in love and set to marry a 45 year old. I joke that he old because he is older than me but this and all of the reasons I I listed should not be reasons to at least try to be a better version of myself because if you think about it, that is really what education is, any education, an attempt and or opportunity to be better. Right now, still sorting through this but in doing research on my feelings on the subject I came across a video, it’s Jim Carey, speaking at a commencement ceremony, the best quotes, in my opinion, apply to this post, he also he references the ego, something I have also had as a theme in recent blogs. Wish me luck…in casting aside my fear, hopefully this post helps others with this fear, let us walk through the door….
“I cannot be contained because I am the container!”
“My soul is not contained within the limits of my body; my body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul.”
