I started to write earlier this week about trauma. I began to recant about a past situation, occurrence, nightmare come true but I just have not been able to keep writing.
At times it is hard to write down what I have written; sometimes I cry when I am typing and of course many times old feelings arise. But I re-read some notes I made a couple years ago about loving forward and moving forward.
The notion that we all have a past and we should love and accept is one that I seriously struggle with. It is, in fact, impossible to know if someone will, in fact, make the same mistake, say something again, do something again, treat you as they treated someone else and this is their past. I myself have a few things from my past that I know I will never duplicate, I feel that I know myself well enough to speak honestly with not only myself but you as well. How can I say the same about Pete? He has assured me, explained, rationalized, made peace it seems with his past but as quickly as wedding planning began it has been put on hold. I am sure there are things he wishes he wouldn’t have told me but some things you just cannot unhear…my only advice (I don’t think I have ever typed these words) is to be very clear that you cannot know the reaction you will have to something you have not yet heard.
In my heart of hearts, I know one thing, if someone helps me to grow, to flourish, challenges me and overall has greatly benefited my little world in being a part of my life then shouldn’t that outweigh the past? I love myself more from knowing this human. I know I will struggle, I know there may be pain but I have always pushed through. I always get up. Loving forward IS moving forward and it is, most importantly, moving forward. At times I feel like my relationship is like an arrow and I am the archer. Mostly stagnate and adoring the stars but something shoots across the sky and I pull the arrow back. I don’t always let go…well I have once with us but sometimes you really do have to pull back to spring forward. Here’s hoping at least 😉
-B
