I am a recovering ‘all or nothing thinker’, by definition:
“All-or-nothing thinking often involves using absolute terms, such as never or ever. This type of faulty thinking can also include an inability to see the alternatives in a situation or solutions to a problem. For people with anxiety or depression, this often means only seeing the downside to any given situation”.
May 24, 2020, By Katharina Star, Ph.D., Verywellmind.com
Reframe….abandonment: My parents left me at a young age to travel, they raised all the kids, I was the last so they went out with a bang. Leaving me with ongoing angst about being left and or abandoned by everyone, because I was left by the very people that were supposed to always be there. Reframe….but they came back, coming and going but still returning
Reframe…emotional neglect: My Mother came from a severely abusive home, she was silenced in many ways so as a Mom she rarely offered any positive feedback, being the authoritarian, she offered negative as she was the one to punish. She was not affectionate and although my Father was, he worked 2 sometimes 3 jobs, I rarely was embraced on a regular basis, coupled with no positive feedback, I now seem to and have sought feedback in all the wrong ways and I myself will be mute in an attempt to calm the waters of a rocking boat. Reframe….I was emotionally neglected, but not always, sometimes my Father left me cute notes telling me how proud he was of me (always with a snicker bar) and when I asked my Mom at 30 years old if she loved me, it took a few minutes but she said, “yes, yes I do love you. I am sorry I did not tell you more”
In many areas of my life, both professionally and with my personal relationships, I will often say “what if we look at it like this”, in some way shape, or form, I truly hope that this new ability to concretely reframe the traumas from my past continues.
With friendships, for me it has always been a revolving door of girlfriends, I become very down when I consider that my father too is very good at alienating people but when I choose to take a step back and, not blame or push away the fact that I am the common variable, I can sometimes say….perhaps it is not about me.
-B
