It’s been over 5 years. 2 affairs, 1 miscarriage, 3 apartments, 1 loss of a mother, and countless fights, sexcapades, and 3 countries visited…
Still, we try..
I don’t think am in love anymore, the affairs traumatized me and seemed to have flipped a switch that, try as I may, as we may, to reestablish a beautiful love, despite the trauma it really was beautiful. Still, I dream and long for him and oddly enough trust him in almost all ways.
I would still go as far as saying that our connection is truly unique and unbelievably wonderful, but such things are not meant to last it seems. Now our sweet kisses are something that, have no depth, we have not slept together in so long, I mean we do sleep together but sex is now a boundary that I maintain, I cannot bring myself to do so as the memory of what it once was breaks my heart.
So many heartbreaks.
I have had all the men I have had long-term relationships with cheat on me. I try not to let it get me down but….damn I am the common denominator so….
I thought we could get through anything but there was always something as I did leave so many times. The ol push me pull you, as I have said it so many times, you may call it something different, but I love to go back. I am like a Thomas the Tank for these guys, what compels me seems to be my desire to care for people. I mean I love to get him things that I feel will help him, the fact that he uses these straps for his hands while lifting that I told him about bring me such joy, a new kitchen pan, an odor eliminator…..but I can’t control (yes that is my MO it seems) everything.
He is lovely but everything is tainted, even me. Some things you cannot change; some roads, when you take them, you can never go back.
We’ve said goodbye so many times, we do not let go but what if we did? Today I said that we were in a tunnel but not really, we keep turning back but once we get through this tunnel of moving on we should look forward to what’s at the end….talking out of my ass of course, I am scared but at the same time I would lavish a night not crying with him about all the things we lost, memories, and most of all convincing him that even though I am no longer in love with him he still has a chance at love…..
Man, what a vent of a post but love is hard, “breaking up ain’t easy to do” and as much as love sucks, I will always be a hopeful romantic and I hope this finds you well, whoever is reading this inspired and hopeful in some fashion.
-B
