I found this fantastic site where you can obtain free pictures for social media or even Blog posts and I have even found pictures for work proposals and or meetings. I have been working on my manuscript, I used the site to look for media. A manuscript, if you can call it that, I really don’t know what to call it. My rants for over 25 years? Simple little one-liners sometimes like: “The Rules, does it really pay to pay attention to the boys that knock?”
I kind of think I know what I meant but who knows, I wrote that in 2007. When I though having my heart broken by my 6-month relationship with my high school boyfriend was the worst pain I would ever feel.
1/12/05
At night my thoughts break the silence. My blushing blues weep for the night as I lay smothered in down. Each day is the same, each face I’ve already seen and all of their words are tangled in a web. I long to fly away, to rejuvenate my suppressed spirit. Yet each time I write a piece of it slips out into the wind
“After living in the dark for so long, a glimpse of the light can make you giddy” – Jennifer Anniston, the movie ‘The Good Girl’
-B
Back to trauma, for shits and giggles, I looked up trauma on that free pics site and I did actually giggle a little bit, I mean in a dark, shaking my head sort of giggle, that all of the pictures were of broken bones, people displaying being hurt from a sport, car accident, construction job accident. I have never broken a bone. It’s weird, right now I have close to 8 bruises from CrossFit. Well, I should add it’s not called that anymore, our gym disaffiliated because of the man who started CF is a racist and misogynistic dinosaur, surprise surprise, a guy who says “these workouts are so you can look good naked”, I digress.
No broken bones, a sprained or pulled collar bone once that kept me out of PE but as I write and go through my old journal my fiance asked me today ‘do you still feel trauma from those past relationships?’ and the answer is yes but it’s different than other trauma. Losing my Mom is something I do not think I will ever get over, it’s still a dull and yet fresh wound. The feelings I get when thinking of the affair I was apart of, that seemed to spiral me into becoming a heavy drinker, carrying so much shame even 10+ years of counseling couldn’t undo what that guy did to me. I was forever changed from the trauma of believing in a lie that dripped with wax from the candles we burned that scarred me, a lie that stinks from all the shots, sweat from danceless clubbing, and being tired all the time, even now, from so many sleepless nights.
Perhaps I feel trauma when thinking about how many classes I signed up for and then dropped at the last minute, to avoid being charged. Telling myself it was because I couldn’t afford it. The shame of not getting yet another job because, potentially, I didn’t have a degree which did and still equates to me being not smart enough, disabled in some way, dumb, stupid. I am not sure, I am still wrapping my head around that one, taking classes now, 80 credits to go to get my AA, I’m at luck 25 so yea trauma of some sort for me.
Trauma from being made fun of for decades because of my birth mark, my shyness and inability to speak in front of the class, in any class. Even if I knew the answer, when I got called on, I froze and sometimes I even threw up.
So which is worse, physical or emotional trauma? I have friends who have both; the abuse he caused her was cowardly and the trauma could only be transformed but she’s beautiful and it became something beautiful but I can still see her trauma as I can see mine. I don’t know, I think it’s different for everyone, I may have never broken a bone but I’ve fallen so many times emotionally I feel I should have a caution sign for myself as I start each day, I wonder what other peoples signs would say…
-B
