9/28/14
After a slough of boys since Scott…one thing after another. It’s pretty much gone one of two ways: they are trouble and or emotionally unavailable and I desire to be with them or they are secure in most ways and want to be with me and I feel nothing. I am “the full package”, “I have been looking for you my entire life and I never thought I would find you”. Such sweet words, from so many. Billy said “you are so fragile Beck”, I remember laying there..looking up at the ceiling as he was gently caressing my face and playing with my hair (all of which I ignored at the time) thinking ‘how the fuck did this happen’. Billy was simple, undereducated and yet fun for a time. Of all the boys that came and went only one struck a cord, Nic. Alas his words said it all and I should have listened the first time he said them, “I’m a wreck, I mean you really should stop talking to me”. A wreck emotionally but that was all. First date: he made me drive his truck which was a stick because I talk crap about how my parents can’t drive there’s, still makes me smile. I do love a boy who can teach.No longer dating, no kissing, no sex, nothing that I’ve done in the subsequent 2 years since my world came crashing down. Andee sings her support and I try my best to balance, left, right, left, right…
7/28/07
Told Evan that the passion just wasn’t there. He seems to be very upset, he said that he cried again.
Does the wind really depict how tides change? Does the moon? At any rate it seems as though some of the biggest mistakes happen on a full moon or when the wind won’t falter. Some people say signs, moons and all that b.s. means nothing. Why then does it seem to be true and so unfair. -B
