I have always been a runner.
The above statement is very misleading, and I wrote it with purpose. Partially to put it down on ‘paper’ that I am a runner and in doing so owning that shit. I am not saying that I love this about myself, that people should understand and or that it should be acceptable for me to do so, it is just a fact.
I am a runner.
Also, I do not run on treadmills, I do not run outside in the city, I do not inspire the masses by getting up at 5:30 am to run for cardio activity before going into work Monday – Friday.
I have run from love, from jobs, from hurtful words, hurtful actions, truthful words and uncomfortable situations.
I am a runner, but this does not define me, or does it? I have been reading and listening to Eckhart Tole and Teal Swan (If either of you read this I am open to being paid for referencing you, pause for laughter) to gain a better perspective on many things and my fantastic ability to run is one of them. Being afraid to fail seems to largely be a motivator but what is failure? Why do I see this as a bad thing? Why does society? In the article ‘4 Steps to Overcoming Failure and Using it to Your Advantage: Fast Company Magazine, Graham Young’, it states many things like 1. Accept that failure is a part of the process, 2. Let out your frustration, 3. Be brutally honest and 4. Fail forward. This article moved me, I wrote the entire article in my journal and reference is frequently. Partially because I know that when I anticipate failure I get restless, when I feel restless I feel out of control and when I feel out of control I want to RUN, in some way shape or form.
“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case you fail by default” -J.K.Rowling.
The bravest thing anyone can do sometimes, in my opinion, is not to accept defeat but rather to accept that that was not where you were meant to be. I ran from a boyfriend once, I mean let me be clear, I did not run away from him screaming like a crazy girl hands above my head screaming and pulling my hair exclaiming ‘I cannot do this anymore’, it was much less poetic 😉 But I did run and it has taken me years to look back at those memories, of me slowing removing my things, myself and my heart as accepting defeat. I look back at who I was and who I think he was and I now know that I wasn’t where I wanted to be and he wasn’t who I wanted; what I wanted was to feel loved and feel worthy but those feelings CANNOT come from anyone other than little ol me (AND you) and so now I do not see that as a failure, it was a life lesson. I let go of that girl, I let go of who I wanted to be and I let go of him. I opened a window and I let those ego’s float away into the breeze of ‘I will what I want’. I do not know if any of this makes any sense.
Addressing my running helps me, I hope it helps you (who ever actually reads this). I am not saying that you should not run but rather to look at why you are running. I am striving more and more to really reflect on why I do the things that I do, asking if that brings me peace, asking if this isolates me or how does this celebrate me or others? No reflection = no learning. Running may seem like a clean break and or a fresh start but the same old problems, demons and insecurities will be waiting for you at the next job, the next love, the next friendship…time and time again I have experienced this. My advice to you my friends is to not run and plant your feet for a bit while you reflect…
-B
