In relationships there is often give and take. Compromise should be a piece of the foundation of any relationship if you want it to thrive and survive. Each partner should allow each person to meet his or her needs together with the other. Don’t compromise yourself, you are all that you have. A real man will let you be independent. You will never have to sacrifice your dignity for your destiny.….
I literally have been reading articles that highlight all of the above sentences for weeks. I do agree that there should always be give and take and compromise but it is impossible to read a book or article or talk to anyone to make you understand the intricacies of your or any relationship, even the one you have with yourself. We as humans are far more complicated, in my opinion. I myself am a highly independent person, I recently told my boyfriend, “I got to where I am, not that this is the ideal life I imagined, but still, I got here by myself. I had influences and love from my parents, but I did this on my own. Anyone else who came along either cheated on me, screwed me over, hurt me and or highly disappointed me”. This was my explanation as to why he should understand my resistance to….well letting myself be vulnerable. It’s true in a sense but it is also a cop out because I know myself, I refuse to ignore my instincts as many do and I am overly self-analytical, that being said it’s a load of bull. It is egotistical of me to assume he himself has not had the same battles, he is my best friend, I know he has. To say that we both understand deep emotional scars is an understatement. So why the resistance?
I have run from so many things and people (as I believe I have written about in countless entries) and I really am tired of running. This carries over into work, although I have been successful in being vulnerable there. I have truly given up my ego at work, I do not care if I look stupid or of anyone thinks I am a crappy employee; I mean I do, who am I kidding but what motivates me there is the other employees who learn and lead from my acceptance. One coworker loves that I remind him that ‘what someone else thinks of him, is none of his business’ because repeating that to myself is freeing and if it helps others then my vulnerability is worth it. I am truly running backwards from a life that I truly do not want. I have dreamed of a love like the one I now am a part of. It’s like running with scissors at times, I tell him ‘I am going to be at my place tonight’ at a whim because ‘I need to alone’, even when we have made plans, I set his needs aside and it pains me each time. I love being alone but I love my partner, I love myself more when I am with him, ugh that was hard to even type…it makes me feel like a fool! I do though, he’s more accepting than me, he inspires me, he’s forgives more easily, he let’s go of petty crap and even though he gets sad like I do he helps me to not let the self-doubt, the thorns, the inconsistently and unbelievable coldness and disparity that comes with living and working in a city where people would rather stare at their phone than give you a second thought. So why do I run and yes, it is running backward…emotionally I imagine myself starting to run, he’s looking me in the eyes, I’m facing him and I turn, fearful of letting down the last of my guards, and after a few strides I stop, because I have already been down that road, I know exactly where it leads (Matrix reference, sorry no sorry) and I do not want what is down that road, I turn back and he is still looking at me, like he knows what I will do next, while that is infuriating it is also freeing and as I turn back and run towards him he holds me in an embrace I cannot even explain in words. He accepts me, loves me, unselfishly and with no ego or resentment at my runs, he knows me to my core. When he kisses me in this embrace it is a kiss of purity, he represents something that I have never had, someone who truly knows my pain, knows my heart, knows my every move because he has watched as I made those moves in an attempt to be independent, to escape the past, time and hurt.
“I dream of a love that even time will lay down and be still for” -Practical Magic
I guess I never answered any questions I was asking you or of myself, except to say that sometimes in love and in life you really do need to compromise and really give hope, faith and love a chance, to let go of the chains of your past because the past is just that and the present is also just that, a present.
-B
