Everywhere I walk all I see are ghosts, specters, mists that look like your face, your eyes. A whiff of your smell or a flash of us laughing, sitting in that spot where we once called it love; I see places we went, things we did, things he said, things she said and it’s all I can do to wipe the memories away and try and walk on with my day. Some days, in addition to fighting off memories of times gone by, I wonder if I am the only one who is so affected by all these sorted people and the city itself. One corner in particular all I see are eyes, blue eyes that are black, pretty green eyes that used to have hope but now..appear pure black with almost no hint of white. Lost souls. And all I can think is that I am living in Gotham city, it saddens me. I walk past that corner daily, there is vomit and spit everywhere on the side walk and attempting to avoid such disgusting things is next to impossible. There is a glass awning above where they all stand, they shield themselves from the rain as they wait for God knows what, I walk past and all I see are the good intentions gone bad that hit the awning, I think I am the only one who sees the glass shatter.
My music plays “just breath..you haunt my dreams, there is nothing left to do but breath, just believe, just breath”. I try to stay focused on my list of things to be thankful for…Andee…family..”is that a piece of a wheelchair?’…my parents…”is that guy alive, should I call 911”….my job…my music: “just breath, just believe, it’s just another day, starring at the ceiling”.
Just before I arrived at work today, after what seemed like four blocks of literally walking through the circles of hell, I saw two nurses greet each other while waiting for the bus, they looked so warmly at each other and I thought, ‘all the things they must see, they must be war buddies, on the front lines, fighting battles, doing His work and it’s all they can do to smile and remember that life goes on, despite all the lost souls’. Sometimes I think I am much too observant for my own good, it’s like over stimulation..on a daily..no..on a momentary basis.
Pretty heavy for a Thursday…even for me..
-B
