“So Dear to My Heart” he says..to my defensive soul all I hear is that I am an innocent and not so innocent consolation prize..
His words either slice through me like a hot sharp knife or they cause me to swoon and goose bump. Such an effect. One blow of his wind causes such ripples I can barely stand, all I want to do is shout and run but most times I fall, deeper.
I’ve never experienced a love like this and yet so much remains to be addressed. His urges sicken my heart. It feels like I’ve been trying, rehearsing and looking at our goodbyes since the very beginning. I ran so frequently, it was like I was a storm most days and nights. I ran so frequently, because I felt hurt, out of control, hindered and yes also because I felt controlled. I know why the caged bird sings…
When I step out of my storm I see clearly, that all of the horrible and scary things he brings to light about my character, my motives, my habits…it is all true. And it’s infuriating. Nothing worse than someone who challenges you right? It’s been like a glue. I have never had anyone call me out on these things or rather I have never shown anyone the nitty gritty, my s.s.b. (secret single behaviors).
“She doesn’t fall in love often, but when she does it is down to the bone” -JM Storm
I guess that’s why I’m still here. Feels like I’ll need a bone marrow op to remove him. He opens up sometimes, up and up, it digs. About his desires, addiction, urges and all of these things involve strangers because if he knows her or I find out it’s real and the shame is real too? I don’t think I know but I do know that I never expected this sort of education when I met him; this dark, sad education where each class I leave wondering how or why I chose this particular course or how he could say he loves me one minute, then tell me we walk different tracks, then make love to me and the next look online for an escort to forget about me with. To forget about the loneliness. It’s almost too much for my heart to bear. Even more so now that I’m pregnant; after all this time.
I long to escape, yet he is like a sticky glue! That’s the thing about running away though, much like glue…it leaves a residue behind, so it really is not running away. So many at home tests and each time it feels like a compulsion. I know it will say ‘pregnant’, yes, positive, display lines confirming it, yes, yes, yes. The confusion builds, and I remember AnnMarie’s words ‘remember, this is what forever looks like’. I keep thinking.. ‘I truly am fortunes fool’ and then I dream of his or her tiny hands, beautiful smell. I do love his smell. Her laugh, his stumbling steps towards his Dad. I guess if I am fortunes fool, so be it.
-B
