I’m starting to wonder how many things I’ve been doing that are to purposefully set me back, all because of fear.
Tonight while watching an old show, a wedding scene, a complicated relationship and seeing all the beautiful dynamics of a wedding, I sobbed like a baby! If you know me at all, ok well you don’t but trust me, I rarely open up like that and it was a House episode! (Sorry not sorry, I love the show!) So…some of the doctors were getting married and House is being admitted into a psyche facility, very sad scene and perhaps silly to some but it really resonated with me. Complete vulnerability is so difficult, asking the why’s is something people hardly do, where do the feelings of frustration, resentment, abandonment, need to control, where does it come from?! Setting your ego aside to really feel why you feel something, yea, gross right?
In that moment I wondered, do I drink because it is a sort of self fulfilling prophecy? Drinking and isolating myself from people and things because I feel that is what I deserve, so why not get it before the curve? It was a rather emotional moment and it bled into school frustrations, did I decide over 10 years ago that I wasn’t going to pursue a job or opportunity because I don’t need a degree for that job? It doesn’t require the work or the possibility of failure?
WOW, seriously…WOW..
I mean how many things and people did I miss because I was so scared and felt that I did not deserve what I always wanted? I clearly have questions about this theory..
I used to dream of getting married, not a huge wedding but friends and family, a sweet and sacred celebration. When looking for wedding venues a few years ago with my fiancé, I tried, to entertain the idea of being a bride, to open myself back up to that idea I think, sadly my fiancé was dealing with his own past and or his fears. Like so many moments we shared, our traumas seemed to bounce off one another’s. I remember walking to the car feeling bad, that I may have made him uncomfortable but I also remember feeling that, ‘yea, we don’t need a wedding, who needs a stupid, expensive wedding!?’.
I am thankful for these moments of clarity. The dreams I could do without, Mothers Day is looming, it has brought many things to the surface. Dreams of injured animals that are my Mom in the dream, they speak for her and smell like her, I wake feeling her near, I could be lonely though. My ex-fiancé and I have been trying a sort of break, not a break like on Friends (who am I kidding, anything is possible) and I am remembering how unavailable he was, for years! We both fought tooth and nail for acceptance, a place, respect we BOTH did but that does not change that I have always chosen emotionally unavailable men and now…why, another self fulfilling prophecy? God I am so bored with my bull shit. Without him around, that sounds awful, but without us speaking so frequently and making time for each other I have focused on school, a new job I am soon to start, I am rereading my journals and basically uncovering all the shit I covered up to be in a functional relationship and just pretend that all my dreams meant nothing but that was the dream, the DREAMS were valid, I deserve a wedding, I mean if that’s in my future, I deserve my dream job, I deserve to grind for hours over learning how to do long division and obsess about globalization and it’s affects on intercultural communication, yay school! These dreams make me better, I am saddened at the losses I have experienced to cover them up but delighted to throw off the covers, even this seemingly late in the game.
It was all a dream but that doesn’t make it less real.
-B
