My father is an 80-year-old Oklahoma-born, Vietnam vet, a retired police officer, and very much a man of his generation. So of course he wanted to be a John Wayne type. If you are not familiar with JW let me give you a few examples – from the movie Hondo (this is totally how he ‘taught’ me how to swim btw) where he throws the kid in the river to ‘help him learn’ how to swim. In The Quiet Man – there is a lot to unpack in this scene, I read once the horse behaved unscripted lol, I mean it goes along for the ride in this scene, her jumping over items as he drags her, I mean this, and the poor boy being thrown into the river could be seen as abuse now. However, this is how my Dad sees what a man should be.
I don’t mean for this to come off as a roast but the last few years have really become a sort of rock tumbler of sorts for me. All my questions about myself, my past, my present, and why I make the choices I do all stem from my childhood, all sorts of rough rocks of all shapes and sizes, all tumbling around trying to smooth out, even if it’s just one side of the rock that becomes smooth. My dad was a Disneyland dad, he worked all the time so my mom was the authoritarian and was mostly the only steady parent I saw and learned from; my dad would show up when he wasn’t working one of his three jobs, he would leave sweet notes and candy for me. Notes saying “Boo I’m so proud of you”, “You’re such a beautiful girl, you’re such a good girl, your going to grow up to change the world”. I think for a long time I believed him, I loath the ‘good girl’ concept now but it took me so long to realize when he was telling me I was being a good girl it was because I wasn’t speaking out of turn and or rocking any boats.
I am the youngest of three kids and well, the best way to describe how he parented is to say he threw us in a little wooden barrel, like Yahtzee – shook us all up and threw us out over a board and just said “ok figure it out”, not unlike the swimming scene referenced above. No direction, and no clear leadership. I don’t blame either of my parents, they both broke certain generational patterns but the backlash of being raised in a household where there was order but no clear understanding of who, what, where, when, or why, and no communication about the future. I have been swimming in is sort of cognitive dissonance for longer than I can remember. Not many, but enough of a string of men have come and gone, none of which I would yield to, I had to be independent, and I had to go it alone, very much a “try to keep up” mentality. The one man I allowed to dig in betrayed me on and off for almost 7 years, each sex worker, each infidelity, each secret all ripping my soul apart.
Now that I am truly trying to rebuild, after having successfully cut out the Horcrux of sorts, I see the similarities between him and my father. How I still go to my parent’s house to see my dad, even though I know he will say something that will hurt me, I know he will break any boundary I set in place, simply because “I made you, this is my house, I don’t need to knock and or ask for your permission”. It mirrors why I went back so many times in my last relationship, it also mirrors why I tried to leave so many times. Scared of giving in, scared of losing my identity and now realizing I don’t know that I ever had a clear identity at all. Still, my ex did put up a few mirrors, and I have been staring back at them ever since, although I no longer hear him shouting at me from behind them.
My dad was my hero when I was a child, I saw him as a savior both in his career and of our family, he deserves a lot of credit for the strong woman I am today, but he’s truly no John Wayne – despite the examples there’s another movie that was JW’s favorite movie he ever made, he was a fighter for many social causes and injustices in his personal and career life, specifically about the native American rights in California, he was the first and still one of few that insisted the actors portraying Native Americans in his films were, in fact, Native Americans. McLintok! there’s a lot of politics in this movie, the court scene always gets me choked up, he has a daughter named Becky in the movie and the fight scene in the mud is one of my all-time favorite movie scenes to this day, again of it’s generation of movies but still, I love John Wayne in this movie. I’ll close with a truth I have rarely spoken of, something that forever shifted the way I see my dad. When my mom had her final heart attack, I was awake before she died, well before I heard what was ultimately the sound of her dying; I remember waking up and not sure why, Pete was in the living room, and had fallen asleep to something on tv, he was always so uncomfortable going to my parents, for many reasons and while I regret dragging him and myself there so often I am glad I was there this night. I woke, went into the living room, and asked Pete to come back to bed, sleepily he did, when I was restless I remember him hugging me saying ‘just let it go, try to sleep’. I still don’t know what he meant but I tried.
Not long after I heard a gasping noise coming from my parent’s room, muffled talking, and then I heard my dad calling 911 because my mother was unresponsive. I jumped up, and opened the door – I think the light was on, I told my dad we needed to get her onto the floor where we could do CPR, Pete ran to the road, it’s in the middle of the woods so I asked that he go meet the ambulance. I started CPR – no idea what I was doing even though I am technically certified, I told my dad to take a turn, it was so hard, on so many levels. At one point he seemed to be doing a better job, he of course was stronger and then he paused, and he met my eyes and said “I can’t do this anymore” and he got up and left the room…I think she was dead before the ambulance got there but I don’t know. It took me a long time to remember and unpack this and I may always wonder if she would still be alive if he hadn’t given up but when I go visit the house he cries about how he misses her and how much he spoiled her and was such a good husband, it takes every ounce of my strength to not say “well then why did you give up!!??”. I know being a parent is not easy, again I take responsibility for my life and choices but in my 30’s I never analyzed such things, the mirror he threw up worked, I will never be the same and while I work out my struggles with her worship, stemming from not having steady parents who never led us I look at pictures of him when he was young, he looked like a fighter but now, sadly, I see a man who folds, gives up. I guess the takeaway is that I should never give up, the fire is lit for me, in my continued efforts to sharpen my EQ and my resolve to be the change I want to see.
“Courage is being scared to death… and saddling up anyway.” – John Wayne
** Sorry this one was so long, if you finished it all, thanks ***
-B
