Not that Alice, but if you could ask Alice anything what would you ask?
This Alice though, she’s the one I can’t get over: “I happen to love rabbits, especially white ones” – Alice Kingsley
When I reflect on my mild obsession with the Alice movies I can remember being very young, sick with something – I was always sick. I was on the couch with a quilt, a kitty lying next to me, the living room was dark except for the Alice and Wonderland cartoon on while my Mother was cooking something yummy in the kitchen. Another version and another time when I was sick, this time it was chickenpox, and someone put on a new Alice film, such an odd one but I never forgot the Cheshire Cat for some reason.
When I first saw The Matrix I was completely in love with the entire movie but of course most especially with the “follow the white rabbit” bit. Like all the Alice’s, much like Dorthy in the Wizard of Oz, I spent so much time alone as a child. I am guessing this is why so many of my favorite movies and books have the protagonist as a lonely child or human. I am the youngest of 3 but my brother and sister are 15-20 years older than me, I also struggled to keep friends, something I am only now just tackling head-on because being an all-or-nothing thinker really can only hurt you in relationships.
I believe the white rabbit lingers because of my desire even now to go on an adventure and experience truth, and magic but mostly grounding (despite the fact that they fall down a rabbit hole – or Dorthy being caught up in a storm, don’t even get me started on my feelings that that mirrors my life lol) I do believe all of the protagonists go through spiritual grounding as a part of the adventure, and that is what I have been seeking.
So much of my clarity about so many things started really taking momentum after my mother died, almost as though she needed to die so I would find who I really am, and why I act and do things the way that I do. I feel like a tornado of sorts, a disorganized and passionate little girl who just wants to not lead the charge, to have a hand take mine and say with conviction and honor “Come with me if you want to live”, as if staying in the same place, repeating the same actions will literally kill me. I’ve let go of so much fear but I have also listened to the wrong people when I feared what you and I meant, I believed what they said I had to do, and I thought there was hope in those waters but sadly we drowned. So go easy on me, as I chase little white rabbits and jump into storms to find my own truth.
-B
