I have always had vivid dreams. Typically the main themes are: me saving someone or something (many times it is my niece in some shape or form, or a kitty – lots of kitties and strangers) a lot of the time the house I grew up in is a theme, it may not look like that house but it’s like I know in my dream I am in that house, sometimes, if I explore that feeling of being in that house, it’s feeling safe – so in my dreams, in certain spaces, I feel safe, what a lovely thought and or idea because I so rarely that safe when awake.
One dream that fueled me to write this begins with me in a house, a house I know but of course also do not know. There are 2 little girls running around, I think they are my ex-boyfriend’s nieces – another common theme is people showing up that I still think about, people engrained and sadly those girls are. Like most dreams what exactly transpires I cannot recall but Pete is there and he’s cold as ice, telling me about yet another tryst. I, also cold as ice, decide ‘Well I guess it’s time to leave again’, it should be noted that the ‘cold as ice’ theme shows up too, mostly my mom but I believe this is because she passed away, but neither Pete nor I were or have ever been cold as ice – well his actions were but never his disposition and try as I did during the duration of our relationship to seem cold and not let him affect me I always showed my card, the Queen of Hearts perhaps, an unwilling Queen she was. Ok back to the dream, so I am packing as I always did, and now packing things from my childhood, from that old house, things still at my parent’s house and I am thinking ‘why are these things all here, either way, I need to take them all, he can’t have them’ so struggling to put all these books, framed ancestral photos, trinkets, and toys into what I can carry. Mind you the little girls and Pete are around, I can hear them seemingly having a nice weekend day. Dreams are so amazing, I believe that we are sorting things out in these dreams, again some haze around some aspects of this dream because again I am standing in front of Pete, cold as ice he speaks nothing but I know I am not going to get a ride home, he always broke my heart and then would be kind enough to ask if he could give me a ride home. So knowing I was on my own I turned and left this house that I knew but also did not know.
Outside the house is an all-white wall stretching as far as I can see, in fact, I think it’s on both sides, with a walkway in the center but all white; I remember looking back and still hearing their voices in the house as if I was never a part of that world. Walking along the wall I start to see familiar faces, childhood friends, teachers, and then family, specifically my uncle Alex who died years ago, my mother’s brother who was kind and sad, he picked me up and hugged me and all the sudden I was a child and I remember his aftershave and feeling safe. Then I start to see that along this white wall are more people than I can count from all parts of my life -can I just say when I woke from this dream I felt and wondered if I was meant to die in this sleep because it seemed to be a thing you’d see before you die. I walked and was silently greeted, with nods, smiles, and this overwhelming feeling of being supported. So many people seemed to be there to see me on my way, perhaps supporting me in leaving Pete. One figure was all in black, with a lace veil, and the only one to have their back to me, I still wonder what this represented but she did show me a sliver of her face, I think it was my mom, but she never showed her face and thinking I’d have time to see her again I kept walking through this procession of people but I never did, I woke and cried because I so badly wanted to see her and yes, I was nervous that I was meant to die.
The other dreams that haunt me after I wake are those about climbing down things, in real life I saw this nightmare come to fruition when climbing down some of the ruins of temples in Thailand. These dreams are supposed to mean, well and be interpreted as a fear of failure, a desire for rest/work-life balance, hidden anxiety of depression, and loss of passion/excitement. The last one was a beautiful and complex labyrinth of rocks for me to climb down and someone appeared and helped me down unexpectedly which has never happened, I was making the descent in a way I never have in my dreams – a just-do-it attitude, and then all of a sudden this older man was like a giant and plucked me from my accent and I could not even thank him. Things have changed for me over the years, leaning in, facing, crying, and mourning in a way I never have. You know I have a picture on my fridge, I wondered if it was healthy – it was a day at my parents when my niece and Pete and I jumped into the lake with our clothes on, that weekend was my mother’s celebration of life it was a lovely moment and when I look at it I know that man is dead, he died and now my life is just me picking up the pieces we both left, the remnants of war.
A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.
