I don’t sleep in our past like I used to, and when I would see you so often your words would become echoes in my dreams, a voice seemingly designed to madden, no longer love but a broken record of torment. Playing the same questions over and over again and a song forming as I run through the lyrics you sang, was I the reason? You had your reasons too my love, for not leaning in, not asking me, or telling me.
I’m not a perfect person, there are things I wish I didn’t do but only now am I realizing my reason. The emotional distance I maintained caused pain and my fear of letting anyone in truly created a wall. Did my fear become truth was it all a self-fulfilling prophecy? I’ve always been an unapologetic person, I think I get it from my dad, much to my dismay but I will always be sorry for the wall, but the reason was us.
Recently old views have resurfaced, these deeply seeded feelings about love; that if you never fall in love you can never be hurt. I was never unfaithful but stayed grounded in not letting you break certain barriers, for better or worse but I continue learning and breaking down my walls. It’s a painful and beautiful orchestra of falling ideals and tears, I play her daily as my heart grows from the broken empty place I have been keeping it, and the reason is me.
I remember watching the movie Practical Magic, so long ago, as I age myself. When I could watch a rom-com; Watching this witchy film I thought, ugh – love is uncomfortably complicated, this must be why I don’t know anyone in real life who has this, I mean I LOVED that movie but I understood Sally’s character to my core: Young Gillian Owens: Thought you never wanted to fall in love. Young Sally Owens: That’s the point. The guy I dreamed of doesn’t exist. And if he doesn’t exist, I’ll never die of a broken heart.
What I saw of my parent’s love was not the love that I wanted; it was subservient and one-sided, in fact, I don’t recall ever seeing any love like a young girl ‘should?’ when I was young except in the movies, thus began my cinema obsession, sorry not sorry. I do want to change who I wanted to be, I want to love love – those times, forgetting those fears and beckoning you to let me in as I let you in, alas it was a push me pull you.
Change persists, my routines and mental limitations tested; the bossy little girl sits on the sidelines most days, the quiet little girl reads a lot, calm and restorative, and the other little girl, well I let her play by doing this – write and sort through what feels like many lifetimes worth of trauma. I will learn to love love again, until then… “I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for.” – Practical Magic
Credit, Inspiration and So Much Love to Practical Magic & Hoodastank:
